I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
