Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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