I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
