That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
That accounts for only three of the penises
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize