Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
God, you're like boner-b-gone
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
