that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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