My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
