i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize