totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
