I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
