Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
