Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
