Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize