i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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