i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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