I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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