the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Randomize
