I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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