so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
