The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
