I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I think your dad took our porno
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
