Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
