She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
