you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
