WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
