made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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