I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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