I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
