Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
