so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize