Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Damn victory sex feels great
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
