he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
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