You're my little dorito
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
