Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
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