Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
