I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
