That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
is it fun? or sober?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
