Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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