just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
