I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
