just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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