Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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