i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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