How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
