She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
