Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
