What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
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