You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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