I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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