It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
