sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
