She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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