is your mom at the bar?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Randomize
