I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
and you fell through a lawn chair
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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