3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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