He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Green mimosas i think yes
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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